Man, that’s a word I never dreamed about being called. Some women spend their whole childhoods pushing around creepy dolls that cry and poo and have horrible hair, then their young adult life is filled with a quest to get married and have babies. I truly hope those women reach that goal, because they will be great moms. But I was never one of those people. I spent my young adult life packing and unpacking a white Subaru Outback, moving from job to job at places where each was just a little more spectacular than the last, and caring for my three legged wonder dog, Bear. I dated when it was convenient and only until it wasn’t. But having a kiddo was never really on the radar.
This is not news to anyone who knows me. The reactions when I told people I was pregnant were evidence of this fact. There were a lot of jaws on the ground and utterances of mild profanity. It took me forever to tell people because honestly, I had a hard time coming to terms with the idea myself. (This journey is often chronicled in this blog.) When I held Owen for the first time in the hospital I was overwhelmed. Mostly because he was ours. It’s kind of mind blowing. I had tons of reservations throughout my pregnancy. Would I be able to do this? Would I like being a mom? Would I experience those things that all moms say you experience… You know loving your kid just because he’s yours, finding a bucketload of patience that you never had before, not caring that your kid peed and spit up on you in the same hour… These are things I could not fathom six months ago or even three weeks ago. I change my shirt if I get a drop of anything on it. It drives me nuts!
So where am I now? Have I just been spiraling into depression at the excessive amount of laundry I’m accumulating? Losing my mind when my kid screams? Having regrets or second thoughts about parenthood? Thank god, no. I won’t say that this has been easy, but it’s been good. I have been nothing other than a little emotional. I’ve actually been really enjoying this whole thing. And this has been surprising. But so welcome. I get a little bummed out about my physique every now and then, but it doesn’t take much for me to forget about it. Not in a way that doesn’t have me counting the days until I’m cleared to jog again, but in a way that is helping me cope with the inactivity and focus my energies on something new- like, you know, an infant. This has also been unexpected. I wholeheartedly expected to be mildly depressed about the inactivity situation and completely impatient with it. And then there’s the identity issue that I’ve written about. Being mom. Not being that person who does all the stuff you used to do. Not being the same person you were before. Well, I hope that I never stay the same person my whole life, at least not entirely. I’m not the same person I was three weeks ago, but I wasn’t the same person three weeks ago that I was ten years ago either. Not entirely. So what makes you you? What is at the core of our identities? I don’t know. It’s different for everyone. I’ve been a lot of things in my life. I’ve been a softball and soccer player, a climber, a skier, a runner, a ranger, a dog mom, a supervisor, a daughter, a friend, a sister, a wife. Am I all those things today? Surely not. I would not have time for anything! But I am still some of those things. And most importantly, it’s what I’ve learned from being all of those things, and giving up some of those things, that has made me ready for this next incarnation of me… Mom.
Today I was sitting on my sofa having just finished nursing the little man and he had fallen asleep in my lap. I thought about putting him in his napper. But instead I just looked out at the big summer-like clouds moving quickly over the snow covered Sierra, our child sleeping peacefully in my lap and our Aussie sleeping equally as peacefully in his bed and thought, this is okay. I’m really lucky. And this kid better like to ski.
The FinnWin Family Adventures 